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Frustrated, Tired, and Hopefully A Glimpse of Grace

I think one of the biggest challenges I face, raising one child with special-needs and one without, is finding the right amount of balance between the two. I know often times, I’m way harder on the little one – because I know she’s capable. Born with an intelligence beyond mine and the amazing wit of her father, she’s bound to be what the world would call successful. And yet, at a mere 6 years of age, she’s been asked to grow up way too soon in my opinion.  I’ve come to accept, however, that this is part of her story and a part of the plans God has for her life. Believing this doesn’t make the reality any easier for this mom.

Tonight, frustrated by her nightly up-down, up-down routine that she often puts me through after she’s been put to bed, I got angry. Tired myself, and ready for some me time, I expressed my not-so-pretty feelings with her. While raising my voice at her, telling her I was tired of the nightly, ‘oops, I forgot to get my water’ and ‘I need to go to the bathroom’ and ‘oh, I have to get bunny’ drama we go through nightly, I told her enough was enough. I explained that she knew the nightly routine and this wasn’t going to fly anymore. I told her to get her water, and get to bed! She starred at me, hurt by my yelling. I hated it, of course.

After she got her water, she crawled into her bed – tears streaming down her face. “You’re always mean to me,” she cried. I climbed into bed with her and pulled her up into my lap. I explained the reason for my anger, as the nightly up-down routine wares on me – especially when it’s preceded by the same daytime like behavior. I asked if she understood where I was coming from and she gently nodded her little head. As I held her and rocked her, my heart softened. I asked God, in that moment, to teach me how to show her grace, for she so deserves it. Maybe I did. Maybe the mother-daughter talk, the prayer time, and the “This Little Light of Mine” lullaby I sang while holding her after our conversation was a picture of grace. I pray it was, for I know she’ll have plenty of memories of my not-so-pretty moments, but I hope she’ll also hold memories of the vast amount of love I have for her.

Where the struggle is purposeful and new life grows.

JillApril 13, 2013 - 2:23 pm

Once again, when I am at my weakest, feeling so alone, feeling like such a failure because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing, I am brought to your page full of words, I am brought to tears. Humbled by your honesty and thankful for your transparency. I know that I am not alone. I do not make this journey alone. I have him by my side always,fighting for my heart to let down the walls and let him heal the hurt. Fighting to take the heavy burden off of my shoulders and let him carry them. Reminding me that I was never created to do this without him, but with him holding me up the whole way. Though physically at times I am alone with my ‘many blessings’ and feeling like somehow I made a mistake in wanting to have an abundance, I am reminded that he chose me. It wouldn’t matter if there were 1 or 15, at times I would feel overwhelmed and alone. Like every mother feels sometimes, and just like Jesus must have felt. Though our stories are different, our paths of difficulty sometimes intersect on our journey to the finish line of this world. Walking, running, sprinting or skipping, we are both on a journey to him.

rmcintyreApril 15, 2013 - 8:08 pm

Jill, Thank you for your comment. I am so glad that you stopped and said what you have said. It is for this very reason that I write. I, for too long, felt that same sense of being alone in my journey. Despite knowing in my heart that wasn’t true, the day to day has a way of making us believe the lie. I pray you will find community near to you and find comfort on here and around you that will solidify the message that He is walking with you! Hugs and many blessings to you my friend and dear momma! 🙂

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